A year older
Every year, my body has been hurled around the sun one more time. My brain is scrambled at the thought of this celestial adventure.
To try to make sense of things, I like to take a moment to reflect on what has happened, and what could happen in the next year.
Looking back at my the piece from my 34th, I am still left asking the question: “what exactly am I doing with my life?”. Except this year, I write from within a period of lock-down during the COVID-19 pandemic. This focuses the thoughts in a different way, but then again, while these are extra-ordinary times, each year has a different twist and turn.
My current moment reminds me how much I value social contact. I live on my own, and while my circumstances leave me a certain privilege, there is a strange feeling of the absence of people. I mean it’s easy to log into something virtual, to immerse yourself in the constant chatter of social media, but this lacks the calm I enjoy when just hanging out with friends and ‘being there’.
On the work front, this year has been another roller coaster.
There are many highs. Without these, life would be exhausting. Some of these are little accomplishments and many others are much bigger. Most of these would not have been accomplished without the love and support of many people around me, even if I may have sworn at you at the time.
A few of the highs this year have also been as a result of me just trusting myself and enjoying my own company, even if at times you may scream (literally) due to the proximity of natural hazards and the fragility of your life.
I suspect I’ve had some of my biggest lows, and a few of these rumble on. In times of crisis, it’s difficult to see the wood from trees, and some of these moments caused physiological distress (who knew).
In the year ahead, I can see some opportunities that should prove interesting and fulfilling, and make it clearer to me of what I feel is truly important. This path might feel like it’s covered in brambles right now, but there is hope. Given the monotony of ‘right now’ from this period of isolation, I’m going to grab onto that hope and see where it takes me. I can’t really go into the details here, I suspect it will be a complicated journey. Lets hope that in a year from now, I’ll look back and smile at where I am (metaphorically) currently standing and what twists and turns have befallen me.
As I sit here drumming my fingers against my laptop — rat-a-tat-tat — I ponder what would my former self liked to have known about the year that was.
This year will also be the year that I really learnt that “I didn’t have time for that” is really code for “I didn’t prioritise that, because I am busy and that’s ok”. The most important part of this is the feeling that this is ok, and perfectly reasonable. My friend Chris recently comment that in terms of hobbies, he has a “one in one out” policy. I’m thinking that adopting this more broadly, and trying not to be overloaded is going to be the most important way for me to succeed.
The greatest thing I’ve learnt is that slowing down, and saying no, is possible. It’s a bit brutal at the time, and you’ll have to fight for it from time to time (and there may be damage along the way) but later on, you will most certainly thank yourself.
After spending six weeks abroad, I can now see much more clearly where I can add value, and where I’ve just been the “easiest person to get something done”, but in many of these cases it wasn’t important to me, or to anyone else, that ‘I’ was the person doing it. Of course, there are sometimes when it’s important that things get done, and if you constantly shirk responsibility then that’s a problem. However, life is busy and making the most and being efficient with things is my new normal.
Perhaps the only other reminder I’d like is to remember that “doing the right thing” remains an important thing to be doing. This may sound trivial, and often we may not have the energy to invest, or be able to manage the cost of these things. Of course it is much easier to say this from a privileged vantage point. Yet I remain aware that if I build a life based upon shaky foundations, then there’s a huge risk it will crumble around me. Standing strong can be exhausting here, and the battles can be a bit relentless. Surround yourself with co-conspirators, learn from your mistake, and listen to others. Fingers crossed it’ll be ok. Also, if you are extra lucky you’ll end up being called woke on mumsnet.
Just to close out, there are a few thank yous I owe. It’s been a long year, and many people have been important in it. I’ve been especially lucky to find people who will call me out of my shit.
I’m trying to be better at saying thank you at the time, as I’ll forget. My list of thank yous is longer than I’ll remember, so as with all these things, apologies if you aren’t here. Hugs.
In no particular order, and without surnames to protect the guilty. Thank you to the research group I lead, as well as the many friends and colleagues who make life better, not least Philippa, Carol, Jess, Chris, John, Fionn, Mariama, Finn, Chad, Mike, Christine, Sean, Sam, Stella, James, Tina, Katie, Nick, Bat, Kath, and of course my family.
